Life

I just feel like I can't make it in life. I try. But, I have screwed up. Nobody will hire me. I feel like I have to do something but can't. 

Tired

I'm tired. But you know, who cares.

I feel very emotional. 

Breaking

My body is breaking. People say they care but their actions don't show it.

I know I shouldn't feel overwhelmed. I feel like I have to justify myself physically, if only for myself. I wouldn't have a litany of ailments, if only it didn't feel like nobody knows and everything is on me.

I'm called upon in pain. I feel like I am not regarded.

I don't want to be saved. I just have a hard time with limits and boundaries. I feel like my husband doesn't respect my boundaries. 

Can you still do my laundry

And cook, too? 

Zapping my energy

I'm trying to figure out what is zapping my energy.

1. Cerebral Palsy
2. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
3. Severe anemia
4. Low vitamin D
5. Sleep apnea
6. Depression
7. After affects of my TIA
8. Diabetes
9. Overweight

I don't know anymore. I feel like everyone will just answer #1 and #9 and that if I controlled #9, I wouldn't have problems 2-8.

Just do it

I've found that I and maybe one or two others care about my health. Oh, they may say that they do. But, it's assumed my TIA was a blip. Like I'm now back to myself so I can do everything as before.

I feel like everyone believes that I wasn't raised right. I assume I have to be raised all over again.

What do you think? 

No sleep

Day 2. I have had about 2 hours of sleep. My husband is snoring and has restless legs.

When does being so very weak and tired stop? I feel like he thinks that I can be back to normal now. It's been over a week since my mini stroke.

Where has my resilience gone? I'm sorry but I'm hardly up to pulling me up and out emotionally. I feel like I am in this totally alone.

Cooking. Me.

Laundry? Looks like me again.

Else than holding a job, I can and seem to do Everything  myself. Deal with finances. Try to reign in his spending more than mine. Because, that's a huge part of it.

I have to be responsible. I have to hold it together. I have to "not raise my voice" i. e. Not disappoint, not disagree, and heaven forbid, not deprive him of anything. Not deprive him of eating until he is full. Not deprive him of trips.

I can't be a realist because he sees it as being negative.

Why can't he see he needs to do more? 

I am an individual

I'm struggling emotionally. But please, don't tell me everyone is. That's denying my individual identity. I have not slept. I have been texting with Crisis. It helped a little.

I feel so overwhelmed and helpless. I know folks aren't seeing what goes on behind the scenes. I'm not abdicating, I just need some serious help. Please? 

Saturday

Went to church for service. Then, drove to Cotton Eyed Joe's in Knoxville. Never been clubbing before. I had fun. I jumped in a did a little line dancing.

I got a burger, fries, and grape Smirnoff ice. It was all very good. I watched two men do some lassoing.

Now, I'm in bed at the Clarion Inn near the club. 

Why late is not better

My husband believes firmly , "Better late than never." Which means we have probably been early or on time anywhere 6-7 times in almost 9 years old marriage.

Just don't bring up that he's ADD. Because if he's pissed off at me he will deny it.

I have told him other truths and end up yelling, "You can't handle the truth!"

Now, after midnight, we are trying to clear cabinets and countertops so a waterline can go from the fridge to the sink. Because, he wanted water and ice in the door and I didn't. I keep telling him that they're more trouble than they're worth. Of course, I am ignored. It doesn't ever matter how many times I am right, which is a very high % of the time, he wants what he wants.

He doesn't pay attention to others either.

Now, I have to take breaks because I have arthritis in my right hip and sciatica on the left. I just feel like we will run out of time and it will be on me tomorrow to finish up.

Paralegal

It's what I wanted to do. By the time anyone will hire me I won't be able to remember my training. People keep saying they will pass along my resume. It does No Good!!

I have tried temp agencies. Nothing! Come on people hire me.

I really think I should sue. I am not even being allowed to do volunteer work for a law anything.

Get it together people! I am passed pissed off!!

Dark thoughts only matter later

So, I was thinking last night that since nobody really has time, being dead now instead of later gives folks the excuse of Covid-19. Nobody has to feel guilty about not showing up. Because of the virus, they can't. 

There's the usual platitudes. The poor jokes, "If you die on me, I'll kill you." Etc. But, since nobody has time for me now, I only see the pain for Mom lasting. I'm sure once the shock is over, I will be forgotten. I'm being forgotten now, why not later when I am gone?

Happy Mother's Day

I miss getting to be with my Mom. She's in a home now. With the virus, the whole place is in lockdown. I'm just glad I got to see her via Skype on Friday and hope to see her the same way tomorrow.

I want to wish my daughter in law, Kayla Mae a Happy Mother's Day. Baby Fifita is due next month, or sooner. Love you!

My Mom's engagement picture.

Favorite toys

One of my favorite toys I called Checkerboard Square man. He always joined my other dolls. One day, I decided to donate him to Toys for Toys. He was just gently used. But, then I started missing him. So, when I grew up, I bought a copy and I am happy to see him again.

Then, when I was very little I watched a show on TV called Julia. It was about a black nurse and her son. My aunt told my Mom she would get it for me for Christmas. But, she didn't. After I grew up, I got a copy 50th anniversary Julia doll. So glad I have her now.

Excuse no excuse

One of those nights. Like why do I procrastinate? I know it's out of fear of facing a lot of things. Honestly, I have no one but me to rely on. I mean, human before everyone gets offended/uptight and ask what about Jesus? What about God? Well, as a human, I have no other human to rely on or trust. That's how it is for all of us. Folks mean well but can't always do what their good intentions warrant.

As you know, I am an only child, grandchild, married to another only child. I have found there's no excuse. I could say due to my health, both physical and mental but no, the only person I feel like would accept those excuses is me.

Comment

I never know if I am the only one reading my posts? If it's not just me, either comment here or on Facebook.

Another Song Insight into Me

"If Today Was Your Last Day" by Nickelback

My best friend gave me the best advice

He said, "Each day's a gift and not a given right.

Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind

And try to take the path less traveled by.

That first step you take is the longest stride."

If today was your last day

And tomorrow was too late

Could you say "goodbye" to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past

Donate every dime you had?

If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life

What's worth the prize is always worth the fight

Every second counts 'cause there's no second try

So live it like you'll never live it twice

Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day

And tomorrow was too late

Could you say "goodbye" to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past

Donate every dime you had?

And would you call old friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories

Would you forgive your enemies?

And would you find that one you're dreamin' of?

Swear up and down to God above

That you finally fall in love

If today was your last day

If today was your last day

Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?

You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars

Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes

'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life

Let nothin' stand in your way

'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day

And tomorrow was too late

Could you say "goodbye" to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past

Donate every dime you had?

(Would you? Would you?)

And would you call old friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories

Would you forgive your enemies?

And would you find that one you're dreamin' of?

Swear up and down to God above

That you finally fall in love

If today was your last day

Lyrics That Tell You About Me

In My Life

Song by The Beatles

LYRICS

There are places I'll remember

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever, not for better

Some have gone, and some remain

All these places had their moments

With lovers and friends, I still can recall

Some are dead, and some are living

In my life, I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life, I'll love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life I'll love you more

In my life I'll love you more

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: John Lennon / Paul McCartney

In My Life lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Recorded: 18 & 22 October 1965

Released: 3 December 1965

Songwriter(s): Lennon–McCartney

Genre: Baroque pop; pop rock

Shows I am Watching

So, I am watching shows on YouTube and Travel Go and TLC on my phone. We cut cable about a year ago.

1. Long Lost Family UK: 85% of the episodes are adopted people who are looking for their birth Mom or Dad. The rest are a sibling finds out there's a half sibling, or birth parents looking for the child they gave up. Hardest episodes to watch were the specials. One was helping adults who were abandoned as a baby. They used DNA to find family. The other was helping families identify a loved one killed during WWI.

2. Lost in the Pond: Host Lawrence describes differences between his country of birth, the UK, and his adopted country, the USA. Cute and funny. Sometimes his wife is on the show, too.

3. Ghost Nation: Remember Jason Hawes, Dave Tango and Steve Gonzalez? New show but now going to many different places to assist other paranormal groups. First episode takes place in my state of Tennessee.

4. Dragnificent: How four drag Queens help others become their best. First episode, helping a female pro wrestler feel bridal for her big day.

Anybody here

Is anyone even reading my blog? I feel like I am wandering around an empty room, listening to the echos of my own thoughts.

Where I Stayed

https://www.chesfordgrange.com/offers/

Lovely hotel near Stratford Upon Avon. I believe that this was also from the TV BritCom "Keeping Up Appearances", episode, "Golfing with the Major".

I want to go back one day

Welcome

This is my first time blogging here. I am sharing my life from my apartment.
There are many things I will be blogging about. Tonight, I made dinner for my husband, it was mahi mahi, mashed potatoes, green beans, honey carrots, and cornbread.
I also attended my friends Facebook Live concerts. Tonight was Joel Beaver followed by my friend Taylon Hope. Great mix of music.
I love to travel and read.
See you soon.